California Governor to Valley Execs: “Grab Your Ankles!”

Sacramento, CA

As California struggles to regain its financial footing after the recent economic crisis, Governor Jerry Brown has a message for Silicon Valley’s wealthy:  “Grab your ankles!”*


Governor Brown in a press conference today defended his financial rescue bill, Proposition 30, which heads to California polls for voter approval in November.  The bill contains Draconian tax increases for the state’s wealthy, and a “temporary” increase in the sales tax of 1/2 cent.

The proposed income tax rates top out at 12.3% above $500,000, taking total taxes for the state’s wealthy above 50%.  The rate could reach 55% if the Bush tax cuts are allowed to expire, proving once more that California is basically France but with better weather and semi-legal pot.

Said the Governor of his legislation, “It’s time for this career politician and government teet-suckler to do some jailhouse rear-banging of the state’s most selfish residents.  And by ‘selfish’ I mean those who have worked the hardest and made the most money.”

When challenged that these industrious tax-payers are the ones who create the jobs that could pull California out of its economic funk, Governor Brown was defiant, “Hey, give me a bunch of tax revenue, and I’ll create all kinds of jobs for unskilled workers. That’s what the State of California does best.”

The Governor went on to defend the inevitability of his proposed measures. “What the hell else am I going to do?  Take on the unions and try to restore sanity to the public sector.  Do you know how many of them there are?”

The Governor defended his plan… “Look, these new income taxes falls on like 2% of the state’s residents. If all of them voted against it, I’d still win by a landslide.  That’s what’s great about legislating against the rich – there’s like hardly any of them around to vote against it.”

He went on “Besides, what are they gonna do – move to Austin?  I mean, Austin has no state taxes, a great talent pool, the best music scene in the country and crazy hot women.  Yet these Silicon Valley nerds just sit here and take it. Somehow the California sunshine must just burn away the part of their brains that does math. How ironic is that?”

The Governor seems to think top-end tax payers have infinite tolerance for shouldering the burden, but will only push measures further if necessary.

“Yes, the rich are going to take it like new prison inmates. But it could be worse. We considered an emergency plan with top rates of 16%. It’s called ‘Operation Tossed Salad.'”

*it was actually four words, if you include the expletive gerund deleted from his official statement.

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